At the edge of the cliff

Second Week of Leave – Between Fatigue and Transformation

I am now in my second week of leave, and I must admit that I am still very tired.I am preparing for a career change, a reconversion. Waiting and uncertainty consume a great deal of energy.

I try to reassure myself using different methods to calm my stress: yoga, meditation. Writing also helps me a lot.

All this mental agitation is exhausting. Thinking about everything — my finances, finding work so I do not end up without income, and trying to keep my mind focused.

I had said that I wanted to return to school. I have enrolled in a course this summer. Studies, work… there is still so much to do to reorganize my life.

I am also in my second week of therapy. I will speak about that another time.

To regain a little energy, I went for a hypnosis session. It helped me recover some strength. I will observe what kind of well-being it may bring me.

This experience was quite particular. I believe such a session must be different for every person. I am not even sure I can fully describe what I experienced, but I will try.

At the beginning of the meeting, I introduced myself and explained why I had come for this type of session.

The person who accompanied me is a hypnotherapist who also has a mediumistic approach. She had a deck of cards and asked me to draw two. My task was simply to describe what I felt when I looked at them, without trying to interpret or understand.

One card was large and the other smaller. On the larger one, something made me think of the word “Nu,” like Nunavut. On the other card there was an abstract painting: grey tones like a cliff seen from above, a little blue like the ocean, and green like the landscape of a forest.

I had to describe what I saw.

I saw myself standing on top of a cliff, looking out toward the horizon. The forest and the sea were in front of me.

The feeling I had was that I had reached the end of a road — the road of the life I am living right now. As if I needed to write the word “end” on this chapter.

A complete reorganization lies ahead: my career, the healing of childhood wounds through therapy, and defining what I truly want for the future.

Bringing forward this new part of my life.

Sometimes I call it “the last chapter,” simply because at 62 I am aware of time. Perhaps twenty years remain to realize projects and dreams, and to find a deeper peace with myself.

To no longer carry so much anger or sadness toward the first part of my life. To take stock, and rediscover the joy of simply being present.

I am no longer seeking extreme happiness or extreme sadness. Neither the highest joys nor the deepest disappointments. I simply want to be present in life — close to my children and perhaps one day their children — and to feel that I made the right decision when I chose this change of direction.

But I am drifting away from the story… let me return to the session.

During the treatment she practiced something she calls “clapping.” She gently tapped my legs and then my arms to stimulate circulation and, according to her, release certain energies. Whatever the explanation, it felt good.

Then she placed herself at the top of my head to work with energy. She told me she could perceive certain things during the session. Coincidence perhaps… I am not sure what to think anymore.

She also said that certain presences were there. At one point she even spoke in a language I do not know.

Meanwhile, I saw women from another era, perhaps from the 1950s or 1960s. They seemed reassuring, as if they were standing beside me. I do not know if it was imagination, but I felt their presence.

I also saw myself as a little girl. I took her in my arms.

At one moment, a little boy appeared and climbed into my arms as well. Who was he? I have no idea.

Later, I saw roots growing from under my feet and reaching deep into the earth, as if drawing energy from the ground. My legs reacted and began to tremble.

Even today I still wonder if any of this was real. But one thing is certain: the experience felt good.

For someone rather rational like me, it is not easy to understand. For now, I simply allow things to be what they are.

Deep inside, I feel that what I am going through right now is the right thing. I cannot explain it — I simply feel it.

I do not fully understand what is happening to me. I only try to do what feels necessary in the present moment. I write because that is what I feel called to do.

And strangely enough, I feel that I no longer have a choice but to follow this path.

I also have the quiet feeling that everything will be fine. How? Why? I do not know. But the feeling is there.

It is strange to take steps without fully understanding the reason behind them.

Two things are slowly taking more space in my life: returning to studies and a long journey.

I know I must follow what I feel, because I no longer have the strength to fight mentally against myself. I no longer have the energy to resist my own life.

What I seek now is a lasting inner peace.

As for the long journey, it is not for now. I must first regain my strength. But I know that one day I will leave. This desire has lived inside me for more than thirty years.

When the time is right, the pieces will fall into place.

To those who read me: have you ever experienced a moment like this in your life?

And if you were in my place, what would you have done differently?

With kindness,

Courage arrives when we keep moving forward.